closeness, abuse and resentment

Closeness, abuse and resentment, it’s a slippery slope.

You start getting close to someone, you share, you feel comfortable, it feels safe, it’s relieving, you get all those marvellous things: communication, self-expression, understanding, sympathy.

Then comes the misuse and abuse. You’ve shared too much, you’ve given too much; now the other knows you well, in and out, and that is an strategic edge. It doesn’t take much, just one abusive comment. That which you shared when you felt comfortable, now turned against you. Pain.

Life goes on, and the abusive comments succeed themselves, briefly, here and there, just when you expect them less. You haven’t forgotten, and you start seeing a pattern. You feel resentment.

Resentment grows inside you, bigger and bigger, until you can’t live any more with it. You are so aware of it, and so aware of your vulnerability, you start pulling out; you can’t share any longer, because you’ve run out of trust.

It usually takes a lot longer than reading this post, but it’s known to happen.

life magnified

So far, I’m not enjoying online dating.

I probably have chosen a not very useful site to do this. It’s not very useful because it only has one useful free feature: you add a profile you like to your “favourites,” and the other person gets notified of this. The theory behind this is as follows: the other person may not have seen your profile before, so when he/she is notified of your interest in this manner, he/she can check your profile and react appropriately. The most obvious reaction would be: he/she adds you as a “favourite,” which means there is reciprocal interest, right? Once you have established this (reciprocal interest) you may feel more comfortable to make contact by email or live chat.

I decided not to subscribe until I get an idea of what I can get: I don’t want to start paying for merely being on a site and not getting any dates, right? So I decided I would first exploit the free features of the site: I would add men I liked as favourites, and if I they showed interest, then I would get a subscription so that I could contact them.

Well, that is not working. I’m browsing profiles and adding those I like to my list of favourites, but all I get back from those guys is a quick visit to my profile. That’s it. I suppose they just don’t like me, or there is some other big incompatibility that means they are not interested (like say, too much geographical distance). In the meantime, I do get added as a “favourite” by other users, but I keep on getting puzzled about this. For the guys who add me as a favourite are just… not exactly suitable.

In short, the guys I like aren’t interested, and I’m not interested in the guys who like me. Life itself, just magnified.

I surely cannot regret not having bought a subscription! (How depressing is this?)

But I’m not defeated! I know I’m a lovable person, and that there are right guys out there for me (even if they fail to see this). After blurb surgery, it’s time to do some serious pic surgery.

for the password mail me at

lifeinmars at hotmail dot CO dot UK (not dot COM)

Protected: my blurb

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